Kate wears a long shirt

Dear Kate, Duchess of Cambridge,

Holy Moly!  You are amazing girl!

You must be one of those “rebound mommies”,  you know, Mom’s who never looked like they had a baby 6 weeks ago.

An example of those mamas are Halle Berry, Kate Hudson ( only after her last baby) , Angelina Jolie, and maybe Jennifer Garner.  

I know that you probably wearing some Spanx… but that’s ok.  

Just remember to always have your shirt tail longer than your waistline, so no one can peek at your old pregnancy belly.

Well, I know your super busy with those babies and Prince William.

Cheers.

Dear Kate….your baby portrait session is amazing!

Dear Kate, Duchess of Cambridge,

Wow!  What can I say?

I just saw your cute little picture of your baby Charlotte with her older brother, George.  

You rock Kate!  It was color coordinated perfectly.

It’s so refreshing to see your name as the copyrighted image of this picture.  

The Kardashian’ s certainly would not stoop to this same level.  Even Caitlyn Jenner, who has only been a girl for a few weeks, hired Annie Leibowitz as her personal portrait maker.

Something is a miss with the world!  

Royalty taking their own pictures…..The Kardashian’s and Jenner’s hiring famous photographers…  life doesn’t seem fair.

I digress.

I know it’s been a few weeks since I last wrote to you, but thanks for keeping us up to date with the royal baby news.

It looks like you must be feeling like yourself again to take time from your busy mommy -ing, and set up a picture worthy baby portrait session.

We love it!

Well, hope to hear from you soon.  But, I understand if you’re busy or something.

Cheers!

Dear Kate..some tips on taking care of baby Charlotte….

Dear Kate, Duchess of Cambridge,

Hello again!  Just checking in to see how you are holding up with the new baby at home.

It’s been about two weeks now since beautiful Charlotte was born.  I hope Prince William is helping with the diapers.

(Please note,  I am sure you are super busy, so this letter will only take a few minutes. Please tell that crazy bachelor brother-in-law of yours, Harry,  to stay away.  Prince William is going to get jealous of his brother’s freedom soon.  

Kate,  these next few weeks are called the transition period in the newborn phase, so it’s super important for me to write to you!

Here are some tips I read about in “Raising a Princess after she has been home for a few weeks…”  

Important Princess tips:  

  1. Baby Charlotte will be more alert now, and is aware of her diaper “fashion”.  She does care a lot about how she looks. My advice to you is buy her some Jessica Alba Honest diapers with cutesy prints on t423112b8f74f46ec40dfce14835fe6cchem.  If it’s good enough for an actresses child, it’s good enough for your Princess.  Her bum is super important during this phase.
  2. Baby Charlotte will still be napping quite often, but when she is awake, she’ll require everyone to pay attention to her and only her..No one should pay any attention to her brother or the family dog. Enroll Baby George in preschool now… send the dog out for a walk.  
  3. She may cry a little louder now, but really, she is practicing her blame game on her brother.  Useful! A Princess is always right.
  4. Prince Harry and her other Uncle will only be allowed to hold her facing outwards, in one of those baby carriers..  Charlotte can not have ANY eye contact or become attached to ANY male figure other than her Daddy.
  5. Her bottles must be kept warm, and ready to go at a moments notice.  She is learning the art of instant gratification, which is important to a Princess.
  6. Baby Charlotte will inspect all clothing from here on out…she will not allow any clothing in her closet under $1000.00.  Hopefully, Godfather Elton John, or other famous Uncles and Aunties gave baby gifts of designer baby couture…
  7. For any new princess,  she will need to have some updates on other royal babies being born… . and no…. that does not include any of the Kardashian babies….just royalty only….she needs to step up her game now before it’s too late.

Ok.  That’s seems about right for now.  Good luck with the next few weeks…I heard after 6 weeks at home, the baby becomes very demanding…Maybe I will write you then.. Ta ta!

Cheers!

Dear owner, I love your bed……Signed, the Cat.

I have a cat who likes to announce himself when he jumps on the bed at night.

No, it’s not like he is alerting me to something dangerous.

It’s more of a small meow, alerting me that he has arrived, and has decided to plop next to me.

I  think he announces his appearance so I won’t roll over on him.  It is purely selfish on the cat’s side.  He could care less that he just woke me up, or that I have to wake up in a few hours.

Usually,  I wouldn’t mind snuggling up to my cute cat before I go to sleep.

But when I am in a deep sleep, and it’s like 4am, I am kind of annoyed.

I can’t blame the cat though.

I have trained my cat to bother me, since he knows when he jumps on my bed, he will get positive affirmation in tummy rubs.

If my cat was to pen a letter, explaining his actions,  it would go something like this:

Dear Owner,

I tried to find a place to sleep, but my fake climbing tree you have downstairs is full of old cat hair.  And, I am not stupid to think that tree is real… I know it’s just some carpeted pieces of wood.  It’s not very comfy.

Your bed, on the other hand, looks pretty amazing.

Sorry I jumped on your feet, and meowed a few times.

I am just fearful for my life, as I didn’t want you to kick me across the room while you were sleeping, or roll over and crush me.

Hey, thanks for the tummy rubs,  too.  I really wasn’t expecting that, but thanks!  You really should get more sleep.  I know you have to feed me, and change my litter box in a few hours.  G’nite.

Signed, 

The Cat

Dear Kate….just checking in…how’s baby Charlotte?

Dear Kate, Duchess of Cambridge,

I hope your short week at home has been restful.  I know England is still super excited about its new member of the Royal family.

I even saw Chef Jamie Oliver make a special Charlotte cake for teatime.  That’s like….. amazing!

I am sure baby Charlotte is making herself comfortable in the castle.  I think I saw her grimace once,  when all the twitter world was talking about the Sex and the City stuff.  

I know that must have been a low point in her early life.  But, scandals, gossip, and mockery usually fizzle out.

Sadly, there will always be gossip when you’re famous.  Remember this advice.

For example, what’s all the fuss about that Charles Spencer dude? I heard he also has a daughter named Charlotte.

Are your families not speaking to one another?

That seems like important information to have considered when you were naming your new daughter.

I feel sorry for the original Charlotte, ’cause now your daughter has taken over her namesake.  Ugh.  The inhumanity of it all!

Well, hope all is well, and that Prince William hasn’t booked you for some appearances next week, where it requires you to put on hosiery again.  That dress, by the way,  is still fresh in my mind.  Classy!

Let that belly bounce back on it’s own.

Don’t start doing that thing Kim Kardashian and Jessica Alba did, you know, “corsetting.”   The Victorian Age is long gone.  Ask your grandmum-in-law about that!

Ok.  Nice speaking to you.  I know you’re busy with the baby and I heard that Uncle Harry might be stopping by later, and you know that requires a lot of attention.

Cheers.